Ok, so you’ve never done this before
And even if this isn’t your first marriage, the basic principles still apply.
Just dive in. Just go for it. You may be wondering, “What is she talking about? Dive into what?” I’m talking about the V word–VULNERABILITY. No good marriage can last without it. And no bad marriage has enough of it. You’ve just GOT to be vulnerable in this thing. It’s scary but so worth it.
You see, the intimacy and closeness that we all long for is purchased with the currency of vulnerability. Not education or salary or good looks or anything else of that sort. It’s trust. It’s VULNERABILITY. If you’re trying to hang onto your separateness, how can you reach the heights of closeness?
If you never let your husband finish a sentence (or even a thought); if you don’t trust him to buy the laundry detergent; if you forbid him from doing this or that; if you don’t allow him to make normal mistakes and grow, where’s the L-O-V-E? If you want love to grow, just settle it in your heart right now that you CANNOT be out of harms reach.
In other words, he may say or do something (every now and then) that makes him (and you, by association) look less than awesome. Why care about what other people think when you close the doors and come home to a nice warm, cozy, love-hut?
Maybe he’ll ruin some of your favorite clothes with the wrong laundry detergent or temperature or cycle or whatever? But who cares? Clothes can be replaced.
And if he wants to play sports or loves collecting comic strips or (badly) plays the guitar, so be it! It’s a good thing if he feels comfortable enough around you to just be himself. (You don’t want him going off somewhere being himself with somebody else, now do you?) By all means, allow him, encourage him, to be himself when he’s with you. You’ll just have to trust me on this one, the dividends are HUGE.
Maybe at work you’re expected to be in control of everything but let your home life and your marriage be like a mini-vacation!
PS: When you don’t feel like working at coziness, look at your wedding album! It works wonders
(About the photo above: I’m on vacation for a few days to spend some time with my family. But I just wanted to share a little something from a recent wedding in Central Park. And can’t you just FEEL their coziness? Yes……)